Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I would fuck him just for his dog
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize