I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
