Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
