every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
