i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just gargled with NyQuil
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
