wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
