in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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