You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
