I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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