And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
