I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
