There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
