I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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