I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
