3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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