This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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