I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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