Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
