Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So many bounce houses so little time
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
