I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
