Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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