so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
