You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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