so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
