The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
