I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
