Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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