I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize