I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
