Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
