how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
