I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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