my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize