oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
