Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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