So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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