Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
