Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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