did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
