How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
