How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
