Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
