And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
