i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
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