I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
