My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
