Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
this just has baby written all over it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
