If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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