i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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