ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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