a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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