I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
