Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
