he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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