Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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