The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
