Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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