I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
