I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize