Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
