As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I didn't shave. On purpose
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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